I praise God for speaking to my heart last night at church. Gently and lovingly reminding me why I have a passion and destiny in deaf ministry and people.
I think of the verse..As a man thinketh in his heart..so is he.(Proverbs 23:7) What condition is my heart in? What have I become recently? Am I burdened by fallen relationships and scarred by them? Have I forgotten my passion in my heart for serving? When did I become burdened and not see it? Was I asleep in my spirit-man?
Last night in an instant God did supernatural surgery on me. My Great Physician came down and circumcised my heart. Where was I when all these burdens and hurts manifested to control my attitude of my heart. After all isn't that what God wants is a loving pure heart.
I met a wonderful man last night in deaf ministry. He clearly to the human eye born with deformities and a disease that was rare. I didn't see that. I saw a pure heart worshipping God with all he had in him and content.. I said CONTENT. He signed as he worshipped and God used him to initate the heart surgery I needed. I would almost believe He was God sent as an angel in disguise.
I tend to worry..yes, worry lately about leading deaf ministry and interpreting all services but when did that change from a passion, desire and love of mine. When did it become work?
Why am I so hurt by my family? I have a family most don't and I have a wonderful husband and two amazing sons. I let the hurt go for good last night. I have learned I cannot control others hearts or even try to figure it out or try to spare their heart. I AM to check my own heart and as long as that pleased God I am good. Not the outer appearance of good, but the heart condition.
The young man is two years older than my oldest son. I helped him with the Lord's Supper knowing he mentioned he ate by a feeding tube when I offered coffee. I walked with him to get the elements and help him return to his seat. In that instant I was changed. I Praise God. Jesus died to make us whole. We tend to make it our definition of what is whole. As long as our heart is whole and pure that is everything to God. This man was fearfully and wonderfully made and it doesn't matter if no one saw that in his outer appearance. I did. This body we have is temporary and not what God looks at.
Today I release my family to God. I forgive and am made whole. What is to come? I don't know but I rest in peace knowing my heart is right and pure. I won't be focused on what I don't have or what has failed. I am healthy. My children are healthy. I have so much to be grateful for. I WILL NOT LIVE IN THE PAST because my heart is new. New has come.
I repent Lord of a burdened and hurt heart that made me react in defense. To my family, I repent before you of hurts I have caused to your heart. I don't know if things will be restored but know I love you. I am at peace. I have to be sure my heart is pure and loving and not reacting to hurt.
I repent of feeling obligations to minister when it is a blessing to even be used. Because this vessel is so unworthy to be used by you Lord but somehow You do use me.
I step into a new day.. with a new heart... unashamed...renewed passion.. healed and preparing to serve and love like never before. No longer consumed by outward appearances or situations but focused on a heart that pleas to be like Yours Lord.
So there is my heart ...open to you and ready for new conditions that please God and ready to love you.